Fear and pain. Letting go of unhealthy control. Excepting my human side.

 

    I can't talk about this subject in my mother language, so I decided to try to describe my feelings and thoughts in English. I died today. Simply died. I was so afraid to be close to somebody, my mind was literally wanted to escape from the situation, but I stood still, I did, what I supposed to do, I helped out...

How can we love somebody, that caused pain and suffering to us? How on Earth, we can't just shout that you were so mean to us? That you broke my heart into million pieces? That I literally died over you, and I can't rip you out of my soul. My fear controls me, my actions, my decisions, my choices, my whole entire life. The only thing that I managed to learn, and to accept is the fact, that I am no longer running from myself, from my feelings.

What pains me is that, I might be never good enough for this person, no matter what I do, how I behave, I will be always just the girl, who is to much to handle. I am the Mad Hatter, not Alice, from Alice in Wonderland. I am brave, to honest, and I hate to pretend. 

Pain, cold shivers on my body... a bloody touch, that never leaves me. In this life, in these  days, the only things that matters, are: money, power and more money. What about real love? What about care for someone, even when is hard, when we know, that we can't have what we desire? I long for the impossible... Can we hold ourselves back? Can we remain silent lovers in the dark, never tell, never express, never blame, just love in our mind and hearts and never interfere in their lives? 

I love the way, that I learned how let myself feel, how became closer to my real self, because I've met this person. It is a huge mess, my childhood trauma, my never ending desire of love that holds me, love that never leaves me, love that are patient, love that excepts me. In this form of life, as a human being, I might never be held in a proper way, I might be the left out puzzle piece...

Fear and pain... love that remains and gets stronger by the day. It is above me, I am not fighting against it anymore. I am letting go of the control over feelings, things that are out of my hands. I just feel : love, anger, dissapointment, desire... in the end, I am human.